Wit and Wisdom

Wit & Wisdom.

Vets Bills

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

The Donkey

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day…

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The Donkey has died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.’

Paddy now works for the Anglo Irish Bank.

Sent by James Naan, Jan. 2011.

If you are after sellin' a horse, never, EVER, stick just the money in your back pocket and set off to top a field of rushes. It makes very expensive confetti !

Advice from an experienced Cob man in Co.Tyrone.

A man who worked with horses all his life asserted that a mare's best foal will be her fifth. And as she grows older, she would again have a very good foal when she is about 20 or 21 years old.

We are grateful to Sue Clarke, of Glenormiston Connemaras, Queensland, Australia, for the following;

Some lovely quotes sent to me:

Horse Quotes:
To err is human to blame the horse is even more human.
A Horseman should know neither fear, nor anger.
The most wonderful thing about riding is getting off and knowing you've both enjoyed it.
A stubborn horse walks behind you, an impatient horse walks in front of you, but a noble companion walks beside you.
Care, and not fine stables, makes a good horse.
Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly!
The horse stopped with a jerk, and the jerk fell off.
When you are on a great horse, you have the best seat you will ever have.
I have seen things so beautiful they have brought tears to my eyes. Yet, none of them can match the gracefulness and beauty of a horse running free.
The horse you get off is not the same as the horse you got on; it is your job as a rider to ensure that as often as possible the change is for the better.
All horses deserve - at least once in their lives - to be loved by a little girl.
If you take the time it takes, it will take less time.
Horse's need a strong leader, not a rough and tough leader
A poor craftsman blames his tools; a poor horseman blames his horse.
In tug-of-war, the dumber animal always wins.
Ask not what your horse can do for you - Ask what you can do for your horse.
A young trooper should have an old horse.
No one can teach riding so well as a horse.
If anybody expects to calm a horse down by tiring him out, riding swiftly and far, his supposition is the reverse of the truth.
Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.
A horse's performance will always be enabled, enhanced or limited, by the skills of it's human partner.
How do you catch a loose horse? -   Make a noise like a carrot.
No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.
Every time you ride, you're either teaching or un-teaching your horse.
A horse needs direction, not correction.
A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.
All I pay my psychiatrist is the cost of feed and hay, and he'll listen to me any day.
There is as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it.
In riding a horse we borrow freedom and share it with the Horse.
Riders who force their horses by the use of the whip only increase their fear; for they then associate the pain with the thing that frightens them.
God forbid that I should go to any Heaven in which there are no horses.
Wherever man has left his footprint, you will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it.
The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears.
Feeling down? Saddle up.
Do unto your horse as you would have your horse do unto you.
One man's wrong lead is another man's counter-canter.
One reason why birds and horses are happy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.
Horses lend us the wings we lack.
If your horse says no, you either asked the wrong question, or asked the question wrong.
Horses - if God made anything more beautiful, He kept it for Himself.
The daughter who won't lift a finger in the house is the same child who cycles madly off in the pouring rain to spend all morning mucking out a stable.
If you don't know where you're going, the horse will decide for you.

A horse doesn't care how much you know until he knows how much you care.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Horses are the dolphins of the plains, the spirits of the wind; yet we sit astride them for the sake of being well-groomed, whereas they could have all the desire in the world to bolt, but instead, they adjust their speed and grace, only to please us, never to displease.
There are only two emotions that belong in the saddle; one is a sense of humor and the other is patience.
What the colt learns in youth he continues in old age.
A horse is like a violin, first it must be tuned, and when tuned, it must be accurately played.
Without the horse what would have become of man? It has served us for transport, in agriculture and industry since the dawn of time.
The eternal and wonderful sight of horses at liberty is magical to watch.
A horse is an animal not a machine and is only as good as it's rider.
Never drink down-stream from your horse!
Good horses make short miles.
Riding is not a sport, it is a passion. If you do not share the passion, you do not know the sport, and therefore you are wasting your time.
Amazingly fast, incredibly strong, tirelessly proud, fantastically gentle, he is a huge dark beast that touches the hearts of all who meet him.
Do not underestimate a horse's pride, or he will dent yours.
A horse has so docile a nature that he would always rather do right than wrong, if only he could be taught to distinguish one from the other.
The history of mankind is carried on the back of the horse.
No heaven can heaven be, if a horse isn't there to welcome me.
There are no problem horses, just problem riders.
When will they make a tractor that can furnish the manure for farm fields and produce a baby tractor every spring?
A horse in the wind - is a perfect symphony.
Drumming hooves, quiet ground... nature's song of joy.
PLEASE don't feed fingers to the horses.
Horse Woman’s rule:  If it has tyres, testicles or hooves, you are going to have problems with it.
The world is best viewed through the ears of a horse.
Definition: Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the stable.
He knows when you are happy, he knows when you are proud, he also knows when you have a carrot.
Where would a rider be without a horse?
Horses can't talk but they can speak, if you know how to listen.
He who needs a mounting block to get in the saddle, had better not fall off in the middle of the field.
Give a horse what he needs and he will give you his heart in return.
If the horse does not enjoy his work, his rider will have no joy.
A good horse is never a bad color.
Use your head, not your spurs.
Put some excitement between your legs; ride a horse.

To understand the soul of a horse is the closest we humans can come to knowing perfection.
There ain't a horse that can't be rode; there ain't a man that can't be thrown.
God held a handful of ash, blew into it saying "Let it be the purest of creatures." Out of His hand galloped the horse.
As his ungrateful rider whips and spurs, the horse thinks an important warning, "I can run faster without you!"
On horseback you could ride through the cattle and they would pay no attention; but the minute you dismount, you become a threat.
My horses are my friends, not my slaves.
The horse, with beauty unsurpassed, strength immeasurable, and grace unlike any other, still remains humble enough to carry a man upon his back.
Experienced riders are not prone to brag. And usually newcomers, if they start out being boastful, end up modest.
The golden rule in dealing with a horse - is never to approach him angrily. Anger is so devoid of forethought that it will often drive a man to do things which in a calmer mood, he will regret.
The size of a horse has nothing to do with the size of his heart.
Small children are convinced that ponies deserve to see the inside of the house.
Poverty is another word for owning a horse.
For what the horse does under compulsion, is done without understanding; and there is no beauty in it, any more than if one would whip and spur a dancer.
The knowledge of the nature of a horse is one of the first foundations of the art of riding it and every horseman must make it his principal study.
In order to have good hands, they must be light, gentle, and firm.
There are times when you can trust a horse, times when you can't and times when you have to.
There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.
A little horseplay is the best way to enjoy a summer day!
A horse is an angel without wings
A good rider can hear his horse speak to him, a great rider can hear his horse whisper, but a bad rider won't hear his horse even if it screams at him!
The hardest thing about learning to ride is the ground.
The wagon rests in winter, the sleigh in summer, the horse never.
A man of kindness to his horse is kind, but brutal actions show a brutal mind.
It is the difficult horses that have the most to give you.
You cannot train a horse with shouts and expect it to obey a whisper.
In training horses, one trains himself
No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.
A horse is an animal not a machine and is only as good as it's rider.
It is a poor horseman that blames his horse for mistakes.
Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.
Bread may feed my body, but my horse feeds my soul.
Amazingly fast, incredibly strong, tirelessly proud, fantastically gentle, he is a huge dark beast that touches the hearts of all who meet him.
The history of mankind is carried on the back of the horse.
What the horse does under compulsion, is done without understanding and there is no beauty in it.
Even the greenest horse has something to teach the wisest rider.
Green on green equals black and blue.
They say he rides like part of the horse, but they don't say which part.
Give a horse what he needs and he will give you his heart in return.
A horse in hand is worth a herd in the hills.
Use your head, not your spurs.
Cheers

Sue
Glenormiston Connemara Stud, Queensland, Australia
www.glenormistonconnemaras.com


         An immature colt was described thus - "that he has two legs comin' out of the wan hole !"

         A lady bought a mare unseen, who was guaranteed to be 100% straight. When the mare stepped off the trailer, " she moved like a hay-turner ".

Northern Ireland Connemara Pony Breeders Association

" Working For You And Your Purebred And Partbred Connemara Ponies"